Another day gone by just the same. Always never ending, nothing ever changes. But maybe the least I can do is talk about other things to. Went to the lake today, it was ok I guess. The kids enjoyed it, thats the main reasoon that we go anywyas. Andrew loves the water so much to. The others niever liked it when they were little, always afraid, not him though. He likes when you take him out in the water a ways and let him half float on his back and he watches himself kick his legs, he laughs everytime. Scarlett always wants me to let her hold him in the water....but I dont let her. Neither Grace or Karalynn will let me touch them when there in the water, there too afraid. So they just do there own thing pretty much. Jeff will never come down to the water with me though, so its just me alone. Tara was still here all day, so they sat up at the table while I was with the kids. It turns out she couldnt go home today. Great huh? Her mom isnt home and she dont have a key. A bunch of bs if you ask me...but thats what was said. So another day living with her here.

I talked to Jeff a little more. He tries to escape it everytime. Im not being pushy, nor bitching. Im too down to bitch actually. But it was pretty much the same. I asked about it all. Then he tries to say he loves me more than I him, which I said couldnt be true. I dont love, nor do I think I could love, anyone like I do him. He just says he does love me, and that he can have enough love to do so. Its not about how much you have though....I have lots of love, and I do love others, of course. I could say that technically I love someone else besides family and friends, another guy. But its not the sams love that I have for Jeff. Thats where the difference is, yes I can love someone else, but I would never love them just the same as I do him. Im sure you understand what I mean by that. He keeps saying im mad, and I said thats not it at all. Because that isnt the main thing I feel. He hurt me so much, so fast. It was like a bomb I guess, I never seen it coming and just like that it goes off right in my face. I told him it would take me awhile to get over it, and it will, if I ever will. He dont seem to understand that something like that has to settle awhile. He keeps saying that he will just move out, that I dont want him here. And thats also not true. I couldnt live without him here. He even said he would pay the bills. Thats not what I want, but it is something he jumps at fast all the time. I dont know why he says it like that all the time. Maybe he really does want to move out? I just dont know whats happening anymore. I just want her to get the hell out of my house, and my life, and then I can sort through it all. I will try to talk to him more and see what is really going on with him. We are always going into another room and closing the door, or whispering in eachothers ear to talk about this stuff, since she is ALWAYS right there. I just dont know......

Other than that stuff..... Im crappy too. My belly is still hurting of course, some days worse than others. Today was not so great. It really dont help that the baby is going through a clingy stage so im always have to pick him up and carry him around. Probably more than I ever had to before. My stomache is tore up too. Im always feeling sick, and getting heartburn. I try Zantac and Mylanta, they dont seem to fix it. Im not sleeping much anymore either. Its almost 4am right now and im still wide awake. I used to be this way, but I started going to bed between 1-2 and that was pretty good for me. Now I go to bed around 4 and still dont fall asleep.

Quite simply, life sucks. To hell and back again......