Why does the fall never end?

Well, first I will say what the days have been like here. Im spending them with someone I get really annoyed with. Now if she were just some random person that was my friend, I could handle it. But its more than that, and that the problem. Tara came on Monday night, with her 4yr old daughter. Well, she is still here at this moment. She should be going home tomorrow, god I hope she does. She is right here in my face nearly every waking hour, looking over my shoulder, following me around, and she never shuts up either. Her and her kid are eating here too, problem being, we barely can support ourselves without adding 2 more to it. But enough about that....

Jeff is the problem. He has actually been slightly more open to talking to me, wich is odd for him/us. But instead of helping, it only made things worse. It started with us all sitting on the couch, she got up and I leaned over on him and noticed his *friend* and I mentioned the fact to him that it always seems to be there when she is near. Yet at times I cant even make it be there if I mess with it. He says whatever and got all pissed off about it, and I asked what his problem was, seeing that I was simply stating a fact. I didnt even say it in the rude manner I probably should have implied with it. Well later on, he says something about me being jelous. Well Duh! But really it more than simple jealousy. Then he says, what are you worried about, you still live here dont you? WTF? Just because we share a home means I shouldnt care what else he is doing and thinking? He then goes on to tell me that if I would let him, he would have both of us!! And well, also if she wasnt married. Then what really got me, is he said he loved us both equally..... I didnt say much after that, I dont know what to say. How could he say that? Seriously I dont get it. After almost 8 yrs, he compares me to her? Someone who he himself makes fun of because she only has half a brain? We both sit and make fun of her all the time, she is such an odd person and just dont get things she should, and all that great stuff. She goes from one frame of mind to another in a snap, seriously.

So after doing well for a while, im not so much anymore. Im going back to my little hell again. I just want her out of my house. But he dont care about that either. He knows I want her out of here and she is making me crazy, but that dont matter. Things were really changing lately and I thought that I finally might have a half ass normal life going on. We seemed to be getting along well too, been actually communicating with eachother even, thats something we never did. Than this is what he throws at me. So much for that I guess. I know myself very well, and I dont even fight it anymore. Im going down, fast, and I think very hard. Maybe he somehow is stupid enough to not realize that what he said hurt me.... We have always had a strange relashionship and limits, for him mostly, are well beyond what others have. But thats just the way it is. If his friend walks up and grabs a tit or something, its not big deal really. Its all in play and there is nothing behind it, but with him and her, there IS something behind it. Other girls and friends dont bother me so much because it is just play.

I always had little wars in my head over a couple guys in my life. I always though that me and Jeff were just together because thats just what it was. We had love, but not IN love I guess you would say. Well I completely dismissed one of the others that used to be on my mind. The other I havnt, but he is no longer available. BUT it all has changed. We have changed, like I said we are closer now, better. And I realized that I do love him more than I thought. I cant see myself with anyone else anymore. But now im seeing that I must be the only one that feels that way. Funny how I manage to fall in love with him in a more true sense, and then he turns and does this to me. He has changed so much over the last couple years, there are still problems of course. When it comes down to it though, he is almost someone else. He seemed to care more, held his temper better, talked to me, wanted to take me with him, stopped hanging out with his buddies so much..... He grew up in a sense I guess. It made so many things so much better. I finally truely fall in love and its taken away just like that. Then other people seemed so great back then, but I dont know if thats the truth of it or not. One was pretty deep, nothing but emotions, no physical things going on, and he loved me, and said he would never forget me. I couldnt trust that though, and I let it go. And now I dont feel the same. So I finally let my trust down to get it broken. Never seems to fail. I hide indside myself, my emotions come mostly by way of words on this screen. Im not good at expressing them at all. I am learning to let them out and share then for once and i get nothing in return.

I am just repeating myself over and over right now. I have to go I guess. I dont know what im thinking. She finally shut up and went to sleep when I started this, so I can actually think. It wont be long enough though, I need to get some sleep. Another long day with her.
Why is this happening to me? I cant ever get any of the good parts of life. Its like I was put here simply to suffer. Either by means of others, or my own twisted mind-