How Could I be so Stupid?

The darkest corner of my mind has so long been empty.
I thought I finally beat it, That I really won the war.
Stupidity seems to be echoing inside my head.
What a fool to really think that I killed the demons.
Always lurking inside me, I pushed them away,
The battle was strong and I always lost in the worse way.
The occasions arises that I find a stray to beat away,
But so much more has come over me now.
I woke up being eaten alive by these monsters.
I close my eyes and I go to that place inside.
The deepest one, filled with nothing but screams,
All the past wrong doings come back at me like a flood.
Soon I am drowning in my own body,
I can't get out of here.Running fast as I can, I want to find silence
Searching like a dog on a trail, It draws me in.
Sitting in the darkness I turn to my false reality,
This one I have always twisted together in my mind.
I dont want to go back here though, but there is no other
Overcome by it all, I make up little dreams, everything I want
So desperatly to feel like a simple human.
Never wanted much out of life, but the day came...
I fell into myself, I discovered who I really was.
The very thing that made them want me,
Is the reason I am here in this place.
What you liked most is killing me here, please stop.
Why does it have to be this way.
Covering my ears, my eyes are closed, tears are falling.
I am screaming, and its at myself.
Shut up, forget about it all, you cant have it.
Why cant you just take what you have and make it due.
Why do you really think you can have happiness.
Soon it turns into regrets of all my mistakes.
Mistakes unlinke others. I missed out on it all.
I could have had that life, I could have had that love.
I threw it all away, fear is my life. Nothing more.


The brighter side came, I made the best of what I had.
I used what little strength I have to face my fear.
I stood up, and you fell down. You didnt own me anymore.
Though short lived, it made all the difference in my life.
I loved you more than I had ever before,
I knew we would be forever.
I let that be my reality, the one that was truly before me.
You decided to tear me apart again, like you used to.
I knew you wanted her, I knew you played your games,
But it was all physical, and I let it go, whatever.
All I ever knew is that you wanted to fuck her,
After all, she is pretty wild. Probably a kind of fantasy.
Never did I know it was more than that.
After all our work, you simply shattered it.
I couldnt even talk to you because she wont go away.
You wont take her away from here.
Forced to stare at her all day, hearing her voice in my head.
Eating away at me, I simply bit my tongue.
She doesnt know, or maybe she does.
Just a little secret you two keep from me, sounds right.
Today you seen how you hurt me, I opened up
I never done that before, and it hurt you too.
But im glad it did. You deserve to feel a little of what you do to me.
You never take me seriously, and you try to throw me around.
Im not unbreakable, I just dont tell you what you do to me.
I was never OK, until recently, and now im back to the beginning.
I dont want to do this again, I cant even guess the years it took
And it took one sentance for you to take it all back again.
You looked at me today and finaly got it.
You seen me look you in the eyes and tell you that you dont love me.
Ask how you could compare me to her.....
You claim I have it wrong, but I heard your words.
So now you try to make it right by treating me special.
If only it were that easy.
Forever drifting in and out of this constant hell,
I cant believe I really though I won,
How stupid could I be?