Bad Day/Good Day

Well that bad news is I couldnt sleep last night. So that meant I sat here and the computer way too much. So I made my stomach sore with that. Then just to top it off I am certain I also managed to sleep on my back and my belly. So yeah. Not feeling so well. In them terms for sure. But I have 5 days until my appointment. I can only hope for good news.

I have talked with my husband. He swears up and down that he is not doing anything with anyone. I think I almost believe hime. He says what am I going to do leave you? I can't afford to do that. So instead of saying he dont want to... its just a matter of money. All the while I am talking to him about these things he is texting Michelle on the computer... Yeah thats nice huh? I do believe that possibly he has not done anything just yet, but I am sure its coming. He is also telling the old *problem girl* that he loves her again out of the blue. I dont get it. But he is being nice again. Gave me hugs and kisses before he left and spent a lot of the morning actually snuggling up to me in bed. If anything its probably guilt. I just give up.

Calm Before The Storm?

Every time I start writing in this for medical purposes... something comes up. I still will continue to update medical related items, but this is really not good.

Im about 90% sure my husband is cheating on me. And that he is doing so at this very moment. We have always valued our openess in our relashionship. Things are what they are. We go out with friends, separately. Both can go do whatever. But this is beyond that. He has been going out after work off and on for awhile, on Friday. He has a work friend who was part of a pool league and it was on friday nights. No problem. Then he started going out every Friday. Sometimes coming home later. The past month he has been going out suddenly on Thursdays. He dont come home until 4-5am. Last week he went out both Thur and Fri. He came home Thur talking to some girl. I seen the convo (text) it was innocent. She is 30yrs old, single with 4 kids. We have a close mutual friend who I had talk to him. Something is going on. He told her that some girl is hitting on him at work and he dont know what to do about it. She of course tells him, hello... tell her your married with 4 kids, no thanks. Well she continued to dig. He kept tellling her nothing happened. Nothing happened. She got mad at him and told him she KNOWS he is lying and something happened. So then he admitted to... nothing happened, no penetration yet. YET? YET? What the hell does that mean? There has been little work lately and he has had days off. So now that he is an hour late coming home from work... I know he isnt workingover. I have not heard a word from him all day. He calls randomly usually.

So here i sit. I know what is going on. I have not said nothing to him. I dont know if im irate right now? Depressed? I almost cried... but it didnt really come out. So here I sit. Waiting for him to come home. Then what? See what his excuse it? Let him get away with it so he digs deeper and I catch it for sure?

I dont know. I just dont know.

This was normal???

Wow. My belly has been hurting terribly lately. (If your kind of lost... here are links to blogs on my health history Part 1>> http://emilysgkslife.blogspot.com/2005/07/background.html AND Part 2>> http://emilysgkslife.blogspot.com/2005/07/background-part-ii.html ) So since my final surgical hell I have just been dealing with it. Its been 2yrs now. I have not seen a doctor of any kind for 2 years, im pretty healthy in general. There has been so many changes in the type of pain I have to deal with daily. It actually continued to get worse for well over a years time. Then it settled. I was just ignoring it much as I could. I knew in time it would have to be fixed. I did not ever plan at 25yrs old to say its ok and I will live with my pain for the rest of my life. That is hopefully, a very very long time to just live with it. Especially since it limits me in a lot of ways. Then came a few weeks ago... What did I do? I dont know. What I DO know is it feels like I just hit rewind and went back nearly 2 yrs. Back then, hell I was ok if I felt like this. My guess is when I was scrubbing the kitchen floor I managed to tear away some scar tissue from somewhere it don't belong in the first place. Scrubbing the floor always gets me, thats why I dont do it as often as I should, but this was something new. Now my pain had already increased since I lost 20lbs, and it did appear to be still increasing even after I stopped losing. But this just done me in. I was back to wearing the horribly uncomfortable binder/support/girdle thingy I had for after surgery. I still cant make up my mind how much it helps. I am swollen too. My pants are all tight on me. Not to mention that jeans are pretty much out of the question now. I told my husband today that I need to go find a new pair of pants or capri's really soon. I have only one pair of cotton capri's that are ok to leave the house in. I loved them and bought them right after I lost my weight. Problem? Since they are low rise, now that my stomach is swollen wearing them brings out a massive camel toe. Yeah. Thats NOT OK. *sigh* I had one hideous pair of stretch jeans, elastic waist, no pockets and all that I worse since I was pregnant.... I finally gave them up just before last fall for two reasons.... 1. I was ok in jeans so long as they were not too tight and made of stretch material. 2. They got a big hole in the crotch. And well extra reasons are that they are way too big and damnit I AM going to be normal!!!!

Now I wish they were wearable. Im deciding if I should go find more of them pants, soem capri's... cotton, grandma denim? Ohhh the choices. But I have what I hope is GOOD NEWS. Whats that? Yes I said gooooood. I went to my doctor the other day since I cant take the pain no more. He was flaming pissed off to all hell I tell ya. When he heard all that I went through. Wow. Now I wish I had went back to him sometime during all this stuff. I do believe he had it set that he would be calling up that doctor and having some words with him. Hah. Then he set me up and appointment with a SURGEON. Could this really happen? I am so many things with it coming up. I am very hopefull that he gives me good news and can help me and put me back together. Then I am fearful that he tells me quite the opposite and trys to be so minimalistic that I dont get what I need. Then once in awhile im scared as hell... OMG Surgery? I have had a total of 6 surgeries, the first 2 were fantasic. The last 4 were pure hell and torture. So what will happen this time around? Normally im not afraid of doctors at all, not of surgery, nothing. Im real mellow and laid back, no big deal kind of person. I am also pretty medical smart too and that makes me feel better, not worse. Knowing all I do from the good to the ugly.

Ok ok... Your tired of reading already, I know. Future blogs should not be so long. I can't make that a promise though. lol But I had a lot to get out at the moment.

Im back

I let this dies along with a lot of things since I been here last.

Well guess that will update some other time since the kids came along to get me now. Damn. just the way it always goes. It may be almost a week before I get to it too since he is off work this week and never lets me on here. I will be back. Eventually.

I want to fix it all

I feel like my world is falling apart right now. I dont know whats happening anymore. I just want it all to go away. I dont know what way my life is about to go. Right now I feel so alone. Life as I know it may be ending, but really I dont know. I've just been sitting here crying all night. I cant make it stop.

Havnt updated in awhile....I didnt forget about writing here though. I dont know what i've been doing. I cant remeber what I last wrote here even. Lets see, I actually have had sometime away from the kids recently. It was nice, my mom goot that on Saturday night, and brought them home Monday afternoon. THEN There other grandma came and got the girls only hours later. She came tuesday and then got Andrew on Wed. And they came home today for good. I attempted a trip out on my dads boat with my sister and her family. It didnt work out too well though. We were as far from the boatlaumch you can bee, and it died! This happened 2 years ago too. That time the distributer was pretty much ripped into pieces. Took the cap off and seen screws and other bits in there. But we were right by the luanch that time. So what happened this time? Distributer again. Only a bit different. The time he is pretty sure the fiber gear is destroyed but cant see in there. It dont run with a belt, so it has internal gears. One is cast iron, the other fiber. So we finally flag someone down, we were up on a really rocky, cliff, full of logs and trees shore, we drifted there. The area we were at was a part of the river channel. So they tow us to the luanch, what nice people. It took over an hour to get there. So that was that.

Yesterday I went to my friend Bonnies again. We had fun for sure. We ended up walking up town for a bit. What she always does, wander the town in the middle of the night. But thats the only time the kids arent around. Came home early in the morning, Jeff came and got me. He took me to breakfast that I wasnt really awake enough for, then we came home. I was still tired from last ngith though and went back to sleep. I woke up at 1pm when the kids were back. I did manage to sneak a long nap later on too. And then I caught myself wanting to go back to sleep awhile later. I dont know what the deal is. Making up sleep or what? I didnt have that rough of a night at all to be sleeping like that. But now that its night time Im not so sleepy. Should be soon though, few drinks, bit of smoke, feeling good. But hey, if it makes me sleep in a bit here, its great really. This is somthing I do rarely though, not all the time. So dont think Im a bad person by no means. I guess its just one of them periods of time that it happens more often than usual. Soon it will be non existant probably, for who knows how long.

Then there is Jeff. He is still sucking up a little bit. Only cause he still plans on having her stay here for a little while. No matter what I say, It wont change his mind. I found a picture of her in his car, he called me while at Bonnies to ask for it. He knew I had it. I wasnt going to give it back, it was in the garbage can already. But I honestly just didnt want to deal with it when I got home. So I got it back and the first thing he wanted when he picked me up was the picture. I think thats the only reason he came to get me. In any case, he put it back where it was. He says he found it on the floor, and that he is going to give it back to her. We will see about that. Im going to be sure to ask her about it too. I havnt talked to her since she left here, but I know that I will before she is gone. He has talked to her at least twice that I know if now. We are going to the races on Friday, to the other track we dont go to often, and I guess she is the babysitter. Thats just great. I knew I shouldnt have said yes, but I really do want to go.

Thats it for now I guess.

Nothing has changed around here. I did have the chance to go away with my friend for the day. On monday she came and picked me up, Jeff didnt work that day so I left the kids and pretty much said, Im leaving, you have no say. He knew better and didnt say anything either. We went and had a couple drinks (in the middle of the afternoon...LOL) Then we took a walk in the park with her puppy and made our way back to her house. And that was about it really. I spent a large majority of my time there trying to fix up her computer for her....I was almost dead. I helped it, but couldnt get it all. Late that night we took a walk around town, it was 3am, nice and quiet at least. I got her all creeped out asking if it bothers her going out after dark like that. She goes for walk and runs also late at night. So then it did bother her just a little. LOL We took a second walk, in a thunder storm, that was fun too. I like the rain, I used to take walks in the rain often when I was younger. Then her husband got up for work and took me home. I got home at about 5am. Luckily im a creature of night, I had to sit and settle a bit after I got home, I wasnt ready for bed yet. Other than that I havnt done anything.

Jeff still isnt really talking either. Speaking of, I have to go. Ill come back later.