Bad Day/Good Day

Well that bad news is I couldnt sleep last night. So that meant I sat here and the computer way too much. So I made my stomach sore with that. Then just to top it off I am certain I also managed to sleep on my back and my belly. So yeah. Not feeling so well. In them terms for sure. But I have 5 days until my appointment. I can only hope for good news.

I have talked with my husband. He swears up and down that he is not doing anything with anyone. I think I almost believe hime. He says what am I going to do leave you? I can't afford to do that. So instead of saying he dont want to... its just a matter of money. All the while I am talking to him about these things he is texting Michelle on the computer... Yeah thats nice huh? I do believe that possibly he has not done anything just yet, but I am sure its coming. He is also telling the old *problem girl* that he loves her again out of the blue. I dont get it. But he is being nice again. Gave me hugs and kisses before he left and spent a lot of the morning actually snuggling up to me in bed. If anything its probably guilt. I just give up.

Calm Before The Storm?

Every time I start writing in this for medical purposes... something comes up. I still will continue to update medical related items, but this is really not good.

Im about 90% sure my husband is cheating on me. And that he is doing so at this very moment. We have always valued our openess in our relashionship. Things are what they are. We go out with friends, separately. Both can go do whatever. But this is beyond that. He has been going out after work off and on for awhile, on Friday. He has a work friend who was part of a pool league and it was on friday nights. No problem. Then he started going out every Friday. Sometimes coming home later. The past month he has been going out suddenly on Thursdays. He dont come home until 4-5am. Last week he went out both Thur and Fri. He came home Thur talking to some girl. I seen the convo (text) it was innocent. She is 30yrs old, single with 4 kids. We have a close mutual friend who I had talk to him. Something is going on. He told her that some girl is hitting on him at work and he dont know what to do about it. She of course tells him, hello... tell her your married with 4 kids, no thanks. Well she continued to dig. He kept tellling her nothing happened. Nothing happened. She got mad at him and told him she KNOWS he is lying and something happened. So then he admitted to... nothing happened, no penetration yet. YET? YET? What the hell does that mean? There has been little work lately and he has had days off. So now that he is an hour late coming home from work... I know he isnt workingover. I have not heard a word from him all day. He calls randomly usually.

So here i sit. I know what is going on. I have not said nothing to him. I dont know if im irate right now? Depressed? I almost cried... but it didnt really come out. So here I sit. Waiting for him to come home. Then what? See what his excuse it? Let him get away with it so he digs deeper and I catch it for sure?

I dont know. I just dont know.

This was normal???

Wow. My belly has been hurting terribly lately. (If your kind of lost... here are links to blogs on my health history Part 1>> http://emilysgkslife.blogspot.com/2005/07/background.html AND Part 2>> http://emilysgkslife.blogspot.com/2005/07/background-part-ii.html ) So since my final surgical hell I have just been dealing with it. Its been 2yrs now. I have not seen a doctor of any kind for 2 years, im pretty healthy in general. There has been so many changes in the type of pain I have to deal with daily. It actually continued to get worse for well over a years time. Then it settled. I was just ignoring it much as I could. I knew in time it would have to be fixed. I did not ever plan at 25yrs old to say its ok and I will live with my pain for the rest of my life. That is hopefully, a very very long time to just live with it. Especially since it limits me in a lot of ways. Then came a few weeks ago... What did I do? I dont know. What I DO know is it feels like I just hit rewind and went back nearly 2 yrs. Back then, hell I was ok if I felt like this. My guess is when I was scrubbing the kitchen floor I managed to tear away some scar tissue from somewhere it don't belong in the first place. Scrubbing the floor always gets me, thats why I dont do it as often as I should, but this was something new. Now my pain had already increased since I lost 20lbs, and it did appear to be still increasing even after I stopped losing. But this just done me in. I was back to wearing the horribly uncomfortable binder/support/girdle thingy I had for after surgery. I still cant make up my mind how much it helps. I am swollen too. My pants are all tight on me. Not to mention that jeans are pretty much out of the question now. I told my husband today that I need to go find a new pair of pants or capri's really soon. I have only one pair of cotton capri's that are ok to leave the house in. I loved them and bought them right after I lost my weight. Problem? Since they are low rise, now that my stomach is swollen wearing them brings out a massive camel toe. Yeah. Thats NOT OK. *sigh* I had one hideous pair of stretch jeans, elastic waist, no pockets and all that I worse since I was pregnant.... I finally gave them up just before last fall for two reasons.... 1. I was ok in jeans so long as they were not too tight and made of stretch material. 2. They got a big hole in the crotch. And well extra reasons are that they are way too big and damnit I AM going to be normal!!!!

Now I wish they were wearable. Im deciding if I should go find more of them pants, soem capri's... cotton, grandma denim? Ohhh the choices. But I have what I hope is GOOD NEWS. Whats that? Yes I said gooooood. I went to my doctor the other day since I cant take the pain no more. He was flaming pissed off to all hell I tell ya. When he heard all that I went through. Wow. Now I wish I had went back to him sometime during all this stuff. I do believe he had it set that he would be calling up that doctor and having some words with him. Hah. Then he set me up and appointment with a SURGEON. Could this really happen? I am so many things with it coming up. I am very hopefull that he gives me good news and can help me and put me back together. Then I am fearful that he tells me quite the opposite and trys to be so minimalistic that I dont get what I need. Then once in awhile im scared as hell... OMG Surgery? I have had a total of 6 surgeries, the first 2 were fantasic. The last 4 were pure hell and torture. So what will happen this time around? Normally im not afraid of doctors at all, not of surgery, nothing. Im real mellow and laid back, no big deal kind of person. I am also pretty medical smart too and that makes me feel better, not worse. Knowing all I do from the good to the ugly.

Ok ok... Your tired of reading already, I know. Future blogs should not be so long. I can't make that a promise though. lol But I had a lot to get out at the moment.